Footnotes in Ashes

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<h1>Chapter One</h1> The waves stop rolling, and the ocean becomes glass. I drift aboard the lifeboat for days. I saved <<if $aria is true>>Aria's<<else>>my wife’s<</if>> ashes^^[[(a)|Chapter One][$aria to true]]^^ from the wreckage<<if $aria is true>>^^[[(b)|Chapter One][$wreckage to true]]^^<</if>> but little else. <<if $aria isnot true>>I’m thirsty.<</if>> <<if $aria isnot true>>My lifeboat had a slow leak, which I patched. I check it constantly and almost never sleep. I realize now I should never have abandoned ship.<<elseif $wreckage is true>>I should never have abandoned her.<<else>>I almost never sleep.<</if>> <<if $singing is true>>I hear a man singing Gershwin^^[[(c)|Chapter One][$gershwin to true]]^^. His deep, hoarse voice doesn’t seem like it should carry across the water, but it does. My imagination, I think, until I see the white oars flipping in the moonlight. His rowboat is a dark pit upon the <<if $oneComplete is true>>[[the black water|Chapter Two]]^^[[(e)|Chapter One][$oneSecret to true]]^^<<elseif $gershwin is true>>water^^[[(d)|Chapter One][$oneComplete to true]]^^<<else>>water<</if>>. <<else>><<if $aria isnot true>>Another night descends. Each time I wake, I check the patch and listen to the water before nodding off again.<<else>>Around midnight, I think I hear singing<<if $wreckage is true>>^^[[(c)|Chapter One][$singing to true]]^^<</if>> in the distance. I call out, but the song drifts away and leaves me alone in the darkness.<</if>><</if>><<if $aria is true>>---- (a) Despite everything, I can’t stop thinking about my wife. Her name was Aria.<</if>> <<if $wreckage is true>>(b) I named our sailboat after her. Now it too is gone.<</if>> <<if $singing is true>>(c) <<if $gershwin is true>>//One of these mornings you're gonna rise up singing and you'll spread your wings and you'll take to the sky...//<<else>>She sang opera professionally until she couldn’t anymore. Her name embarassed her.<</if>><</if>> <<if $oneComplete is true>><span style="color: white;"><<if $oneSecret is true>>(e) Aria's ashes.<<else>>(d) Black as ashes...<</if>></span><</if>> <<if $oneComplete is true>><<addclass "body" "invert">><</if>>

<h1>Chapter Two</h1> <<if $water isnot true>> “Get on, old man! Get on!” he tells me. I decide to abandon my leaky raft for his rowboat.<<else>>I couldn't cast her ashes into the sea.<</if>> The water is <<if $water is true>>so cold<<if $fiveReturn isnot true>>^^[[(a)|Chapter Two][$cold to true]]^^<</if>><<else>>cold<</if>>. <<if $cold isnot true>><<if $urn isnot true>> I am sore and parched but strong for my age, and I haul myself aboard. <<else>>I'm desperate to go. <</if>>I worry I'll tip his rowboat, but he keeps saying, “That's it. That's it.” I collapse but cling to the urn<<if $water isnot true>>^^[[(a)|Chapter Two][$urn to true]]^^<</if>>. “Water<<if $urn is true>>^^[[(b)|Chapter Two][$water to true]]^^<</if>>,” is the first word out of my lips.<<if $water isnot true>> He takes a flask from beneath the ratty blanket covering his legs and holds it out. I snatch it. “That's all the water there is,” he says. I'm not thinking clearly, and I drink it all.<</if>><</if>> <<if $urn is true>>---- <<if $cold is true>><<if $fiveReturn is true>><<addclass "body" "dark">>[[(a)|Chapter Five][$twoSecret to "a"]] But the ocean is where she'd want to be<<else>>(a) [[But the ocean is where she’d want to be|Chapter Three]]<</if>>.<<else>>(a) It is the fifth anniversary of Aria’s death. At the halfway point between Baltimore and Bermuda, I planned to sprinkle her ashes into the Atlantic.<</if>><</if>><<if $water is true>><<if $cold isnot true>> (b) Aria loved to sail until the disease took that away. She also loved to dance.<</if>><</if>><<if $fiveReturn is true>> (r) Does that matter? She is gone, but I'm still here. It's up to me to remember. (i) You struggle so hard not to care when she looks at you and sees a stranger. You have to remember everything for the both of you and never forget. And then she dies, and you're expected to move on. To forget. <<if $oneSecret is true>>Maybe it's ok to forget...<</if>> <<if $threeSecret is true>>[[(a)|Chapter Five][$twoSecret to "b"]] Aria.<<else>>(a) But I can't forget.<</if>> <</if>>

<h1>Chapter Three</h1> <<if $stay isnot true and $leave isnot true>><<if $bermuda isnot true>> He starts rowing. “Thank you,” I manage. It takes courage to talk through my cracked lips. With a grin, he asks, “Where were you headed?” “Bermuda^^[[(a)|Chapter Three][$bermuda to true]]^^,” I rasp.<</if>><<if $bermuda is true>><<if $possibilities isnot true>> “Fancy,” he says. “I can get you there.” My throat is too dry to laugh, and I shake my head. We are too far from land to make it anywhere in a rowboat. “Then where you want to go? We got a whole ocean of possibilities^^[[(b)|Chapter Three][$possibilities to true]]^^.”<</if>><<if $possibilities is true>> <<if $home isnot true>>The truth is I want to give up and go home^^[[(c)|Chapter Three][$home to true]]^^, but I say nothing. <</if>><<if $homeB isnot true>>“Let's have it out. Where you want to go?” I try licking my lips, but it does no good. <<if $home is true>>“Home^^<<if $backOne isnot true>>[[(d)|Chapter One B][$backOne to true]]<<else>>[[(d)|Chapter Three][$homeB to true]]<</if>>^^,” I say. “I can get you there.”<</if>><</if>><<if $homeB is true>>I sigh. “Just take me wherever you’re going.” I assume he has a boat of his own nearby. His smile slips. “You don’t want to go there,” he says, and a breeze jostles the boat and nudges his blanket aside. Only then do I realize that his legs are gone from just below his hips. His oars are made of bone.<</if>><</if>><</if>> ---- (a) <<if $bermuda isnot true>>I spent months preparing.<</if>><<if $possibilities isnot true>> Never before had I attempted sailing offshore solo.<</if>> (b) <<if $homeB isnot true>>So long as <<if $home isnot true>>Aria<</if>> remains with me, I can’t think about possibilities.<</if>> (c) <<if $homeB isnot true>>I can think only about <<if $possibilities isnot true>>her final <</if>>years, <<if $home isnot true>>caring<</if>> for her as <</if>>her mind abandoned her, terrified<<if $homeB isnot true>> to leave her home unsupervised<</if>>. <<if $threeSecret is true>>She forgot me.<</if>> (d) <<if $homeB isnot true>>I’m <<if $bermuda isnot true>>still<</if>> terrified to <</if>>leave home<<if $homeB is true and $threeSecret is true>>^^[[(f)|Chapter Three][$leave to true]]^^<</if>>, <<if $home isnot true>>but here I am. I should have <</if>>stay<<if $home isnot true>>ed<</if>> home<<if $homeB is true>>^^[[(e)|Chapter Three][$stay to true]]^^<</if>>.<<elseif $leave is true>>[[Maybe I'm afraid to forget.|Chapter Four]]<<elseif $stay is true>>[[I'll never forget.|Chapter Four]]<</if>> <<if $stay is true>><<addclass "body" "dark">><</if>>

<h1 style="color: white;">Chapter One</h1> We set out before dawn. Aria^^[[(a)|Chapter One B][$ariaB to true]]^^ takes the helm, while I help keep us clear of the dock. The waves rock us more than I would like, but we make do. We clear the marina and motor into the Patapsco River. This is my first time setting out without an instructor. We intend to spend the rest of the season sailing^^[[(s)|Chapter One B][$sailingB to true]]^^ around the bay and learning how best to work together^^[[(h)|Chapter One B][$togetherB to true]]^^. Next spring, we intend to attempt an extended trip. The Cayman Islands, maybe. Or maybe Bermuda^^[[(e)|Chapter Three]]^^. We draw our main and sail into <span style="color: white;">the black water</span>^^[[(s)|Chapter One B][$waterB to true]]^^. <<if $ariaB is true>>---- (a) We had always planned on spending our retirement this way.<</if>> <<if $sailingB is true>>(s) Our house, we sold. With the money, we purchased a small condo and a sailboat.<</if>> <<if $togetherB is true>>(h) Together.<</if>> <span style="color: white;">(e) <<if $oneSecret is true>>It's a life we should have lived.<<else>>Black as ashes.<</if>></span> <<if $waterB is true>>(s) We never had children. Aria was the only family I had left.<</if>> <<if $ariaB is true>><<removeclass "body" "invert">><<addclass "body" "dark">><<else>><<addclass "body" "invert">><</if>> <<if $ariaB is true>><<if $sailingB is true>><<if $togetherB is true>><<if $waterB is true>><<set $threeSecret to true>><</if>><</if>><</if>><</if>>

<h1>Chapter Four</h1> <<if $stars is true>>(g) <</if>>Darkness swallows the moon and stars<<if $stars isnot true>>^^[[(g)|Chapter Four][$stars to true]]^^<</if>>.<<if $stars is true>> The only light comes from the white oars. Fear of my savior has me searching for my leaky lifeboat, but it's gone. This doesn't seem possible. We haven't traveled far. I wonder if I’m dead or dreaming. “I know dead, and you ain’t it,” he says.<</if>><<if $dreaming is true>> (o) “Then I’m dreaming,” I conclude, and he shrugs.<</if>><<if $planning is true>> (n) “Lots of different ways to dream,” he says, and he nods at the urn. “What you planning on doing with that?” <<if $leave is true>>I won’t tell him but suspect he already knows<<else>>I get ready to shove him aside if he tries reaching for the urn<</if>>. “You could just leave her with me,” he says. “I’ll take her where she needs to go<<if $planning is true>>^^[[(e)|Chapter Four][$starsB to true]]^^<</if>>.”<</if>> <<if $starsB is true>>(e) I bristle<<if $stay is true>>. I won't<<else>>, but I feel my hands relax<</if>>.<</if>> ---- <<if $stars is true>>But life after Aria feels false, like some sort of a dream^^[[(o)|Chapter Four][$dreaming to true]]^^ without resolution. We were married almost forty years. Her decline should have prepared me, but it didn’t.<</if>><<if $dreaming is true>> I was ready^^[[(n)|Chapter Four][$planning to true]]^^ to cast her ashes into the sea, but as I loomed over the edge of the boat, urn in hand, the storm struck.<</if>> <<if $planning is true>>I secured her and did my best to get the boat under control, but something, I didn’t see what, struck the boat near the stern. I panicked and deployed the liferaft. Instead of grabbing proper provisions, I grabbed her.<</if>> <<if $starsB is true>>(e) “You think on it,” he says. “And I’ll row you home^^[[(-)|Chapter Five]]^^.”<</if>> <<addclass "body" "dark">>

<h1>Chapter Five</h1> Darkness melts, and I find myself looking toward the Inner Harbor. <<if $fiveReturn isnot true or $twoSecret is "a">>This is for the better, I decide. I won’t abandon her. The urn will return to my mantle, and she’ll continue with me.<<elseif $twoSecret is "b">>I realize the one thing I've never stopped to ponder is what it means to continue without Aria.<</if>> Just continue<<if $chest is true>>^^[[(Ω)|Chapter Six]]^^<</if>>. <<if $twoSecret is "b">>When<<else>>And yet,<</if>> when he brings us alongside the dock and says, “Here we go,” I don’t move. I don’t move, because if I do, it means I lost the fight^^<<if $fiveReturn is true>>(a)<<else>>[[(a)|Chapter Two][$fiveReturn to true]]<</if>>^^ after so much preparation. This leaves a hole in my chest<<if $fiveReturn is true>>^^[[(b)|Chapter Five][$chest to true]]^^<</if>>. ---- <<if $twoSecret is "a">>(a) It's just another fight I've lost.<<elseif $twoSecret is "b">>(a) But perhaps this should have never been a fight.<</if>> <<if $chest is true>>(b) <<if $twoSecret is "a">>But when I think about Aria before all the darkness and storms, I know she wouldn’t want to remain trapped in a box.<<else>>Perhaps I've spent so much time focused on the battle that I never stopped to grieve.<</if>><</if>> <<if $twoSecret is "a">><<addclass "body" "dark">><</if>>

<h1>Chapter Six</h1> I meet his dark eyes. “You’ll take me anywhere?” I ask, and he frowns. But he nods. “Take me to Aria. To just before the storm. If you can.” “You sure?” he asks. I <<if $twoSecret is "a">>clutch the urn tighter<<else>>cradle the urn<</if>> and nod. He pushes off with one of his bone oars and starts rowing. The sky turns <<if $twoSecret is "a">>dark<<else>>bright<</if>>. “I’ll be around,” he says. “<<if $twoSecret is "a">>But next time, make sure it ain’t you I find in the water waiting to go home<<else>>I hope you find your peace, whatever you decide<</if>>.” Then I’m back aboard the Aria, urn in hand. Before the storm descends, I cast her ashes into the sea. She rides the wind and waves and remembers she can dance. ([[So we dance|Intro][$complete to true]]) <center><iframe src="/html/departureContent.html" style="width:150px;height:150px;padding:0;margin:0;display:block;border:none;overflow:hidden;"></iframe></center> <<if $twoSecret is "a">><<addclass "body" "dark">><</if>>

<h1>Footnotes in Ashes<<if $complete isnot true>>^^<<if $author isnot true>>[[(a)|Intro][$author to true]]<<else>>[[(α)|Chapter One]]<</if>>^^<</if>></h1> <<if $author is true>>by Jeremy M. Gottwig<</if>> <<if $complete is true>> (<<link "Restart">><<script>>Engine.restart();<</script>><</link>>) <<if $twoSecret is "a">> <<addclass "body" "dark">> <<audio "thunder" loop play>> <<else>> <<audio "ocean" loop play>> <</if>> <<else>> <<cacheaudio "ocean" "media/ocean.mp3">> <<cacheaudio "thunder" "media/thunder.mp3">> <</if>>